Candidates and Their Issues (Mental and Otherwise)

5 03 2008

As the election gets a little closer with each passing second (I’m waiting for the first news channel to put a countdown ’till November on their screen), I figured now that you’ve outed several of the good candidates and only left one, you’d like to know their “issues”. Well, no not those issues, the issues they will fight for.

Let’s start with my friend Hillary…

Strengthening the Middle Class = Yeah, Hillary knows a lot about the Middle Class.
Affordable Health Care = Yeah, you’ll do that in eight years.
Ending the War in Iraq = Hey, genius, you can’t pull the troops out slowly.
Promoting Energy Independence and Fighting Global Warming = And, what model private jet do you ride in?
Improving Our Schools = Every Child Left Behind
Supporting Parents and Caring for Children = They’ll be future voters.
Restoring America’s Standing in the World = Then stop making us look like a bunch of bickering dumbasses.
A Champion for Women = See Kat Swift, below.
Comprehensive Government Reform = Oh theres the expert on “Government Reform”.
Strengthening our Democracy = Vote.
Reforming Our Immigration System = After reading the explanation on your website, I still have no clue what the hell you want to do with this…
An Innovation Adgenda = Huh?
Creating Opportunity for Rural America = Opportunity? Giving them all Rubick’s Cubes to play all day is not opportunity.

My buddy Barack…
OK, problem #1: Your “Blueprint for Change” is 59 pages long. That’s great and all, and it does kind of put away the thing Hillary keeps yapping about, but I need to hurry up and get this article written and I’m tired, so I think I’ll pass. Hey, I didn’t read the John Georges 100-point “Georges Plan” either.

OK, great, problem #2: Unlike Hillary’s website, your Issues page doesn’t have your broad plans in the title. So you’re making me read!

(If there’s a third problem I’m moving on to McCain)

What the hell, Barack? I have to click “Continue Reading” to read your plan? I’ll come back to you tomorrow.

My war-mongering neocon friend John…

McCain Foods Limited is a privately-owned, multinational leader in the frozen food industry.

McCain Foods is the world’s largest producer
of frozen French fries and the manufacturer of other quality food products sold in more than 110 countries.

Either the wrong McCain or a new campaign initiative…

OK, found it. So now live from the Bullshit Express, here’s John McCain’s issues.

Bold solutions to stimulate the American Economy: Read More = No.
Taxes should be low, simple, and fair = And yet you want to have big government and fight a war? Money don’t grow on trees.
Restrict Government Spending = End the war. Ah, I just solved that one for you, John.
Reform Health Care = How? Telling these companies to “change”?
Hates Judges Who Make Up Rules and Violate Constitution = Oh my goodness. John and I agree on something. I, however, hate presidents that do the same thing.
Human Dignity = And yet you will keep our secret prisons open?
Victory in Iraq = Perhaps we can win. Win by refusing to fight.
Excellence, Choice, and Competition in American Education = The same choice the Republicans have brought us in the telephone and oil business: A bunch of companies that all suck.
Support Second Amendment = Well, look at that: Another thing we agree on.

OK, now the presidential candidate who won’t suck. I think. Here’s Kat’s ideas:
(Please note: Non-biased information here. Ignore the Kat for President Donation Button on the left. Until you’re done reading, that is, then help out the Kat for President campaign by donating some money.)

Address abuses and violence against women and children, including trafficking, sexual, emotional and physical abuse = Hillary readers who looked down here: Here ya go. No, this isn’t what Hillary was going to do, but now you know who to vote for.
Proportional representation in the electoral college as ratified in the US Constitution Article XIV Section 2; unbiased and independent media; Net Neutrality = Interesting. Also something no other candidate has the nerve to talk about.
Ending the war on drugs, corporate control of government and classism = I’m tired of my tax returns saying “Sponsored by the new AT&T. Your world. Delivered (to the IRS).”
Voting machines owned by the people not some company who refuses to give data to the public – computers are not infallible, let us have a paper receipt to recount and open source software! = Hey, if you readers want another 2000 election, feel free. But don’t involve the rest of America.
Have the option of voting “None of the above” in every election. = See 2004: Bush vs. Kerry.
Affordable single payer healthcare with a drug plan that is easy to use = OK, whatever I said with Hillary’s government healthcare still applies
Raising the minimum wage to a livable wage = Duh.
Personalized education = Hey, look, it’s an education thing that will work.
Taxes: “if you make less than a living wage, you pay no tax, if you make $2 million a year, you pay a larger percentage of your income than someone making $50k/yr.” = Yes. Although I’m a Ron Paulie on getting rid of the Income Tax altogether.
Stop the Iraq war = Only solution.